Good Sunday Lesson, Bad Evening

       It's been hard for me to get to church this past year. It's not that I don't want to go. It's the people. They aren't mean or rude. It's me. Since things calmed down after Rhett's transplant (almost a year ago!! Nov. 20th 2009) I have had a set back with my Bipolar. I have been doing so well for many years. I guess the stress of the surprize you kidneys are failing, (18% function) the problems with the dialysis catheter  in is belly moving out of place a couple of times, Rhett's "mini stroke", ( Dr. is not positive what really happened, just that he had mind confusion) the process of finding a donor ( Thanks Shantelle ) and the actual transplant with the many trips back to Utah for check-ups ( we are finally at every 6 months for that now) must have done me in. I have problems with big crowds, I get jumpy and easily irritated at the grocery store, or any other store. If a kid is crying and the parents can't calm them down or don't try to, it is like nails scraping a chalkboard. I have a harder time with my own children and the being really loud, or all over the place, wont listen and stop. My family has heard me let out a big scream of frustration and start crying or run and hide many times the past few months. I hate having them see me like this. My kids will definitely think they have a wacko for a mom. In April or was it May? I finally went to see a phyciatrist to see about me needing a change in meds or needing more. He was surprized that I was only on 1 pill. The next few weeks were hell'is. One pill made my heart race and dizzy. Another more suicidal. When I was feeling that last one I couldn't get a hold of the Dr. He works at 3 offices. The receptionist told me, after the 3rd day of waiting for him to call me back, that I should go to the hospital. I almost went. My parents and Will helped me decide that that would be worse for me because they would take me off all my meds and wait until it was out of my system and then slowly add them back to see which one was for me. I would go insane if I didn't have my Paxil. I already felt like I was starting to go off the deep end. I couldn't sleep very well or very much, I was shaking uncontrollably. The only thing that helped me threw the day was to go over to my mom's house. It was quieter and the feel of having my mom close by. I would get tired after a while of being over there and then would be able to take a nap. ( I believe it was because I was able to get my body to relax from stress and the shaking) I gave up on that Dr. and went to another one who helped me out that day that I called and she has been great. We found ( after another few trys) a medicine that dose make me feel a bit better. I do have a side effect of shaky hands, but it's not quite as bad now that we cut the dose in half. Beside I would get shaky anytime I felt anxious, or nervous anyways.
    
     After a few Sundays of my anxiety, and illnesses getting in the way, we made it to church today. I'm determent to get my kids to church so they can know the truth and build a testimony like I have. Especially with Hailey turing 8 in April and getting babtized. The kids where good at Sacrament Meeting. Nathan held onto a stuffed dalmatian dog for most of the time, then he was in Rhett's lap making him read all the books I brought. Hailey sat quietly and played with two Little Pet Shop dolls. Keigan was on the floor playing with his cars (no surprize their)  or in his seat leaning on me cuddling. He also asked every 5 mins how long until it was over.
      I missed half of Sunday School because I was sitting with Nathan in the Nursery. By the way, it is a little weird going to church with your in-laws, and sister-in-law, but it is also nice. I know I have someone to sit with, and someone to go to R.S. activity's with. R.S. was very spiritual for most of us. Me, more ways then one. We talked about how the spirit has prompted us into doing things. My sister-in-law Deneece mentioned how the spirit prompted her and Josh to adopt six kids. Another lady mentioned how she was working and her husband was going to school and they had a two year old. She didn't want to have another kid yet, but she kept getting a feeling that their was another spirit that wanted to be there, and now. Now that child is 3 and she know that he was that spirit. I had been watching and playing with a little girl that is around 8 or 9 months old. She had the cutest smile. I looked back at that girl after that lady was done talking and started to cry. I felt I have a child I need to bring here. Maby

     Later in the evening it became difficult to be in control of myself. The kids where in my way everywhere I went, even the bathroom. Not stopping the ruff housing after I told them to stop many times, and then hearing Keigan crying from the top of his lungs because he banged his knee against the couch, which wouldn't have happened if he had listened. Keigan wouldn't go to bed and kept rousing Nathan up. Then Keigan kept talking while I was trying to read to Nathan, then Nathan wouldn't stay in is bed and was fighting me. I finally gave up and went to Rhett and told him he better deal with them before I do something bad. That's when I start doubting me being a mother. Am I really meant to be a mother? I want to be one, but with my mental problems am I good one? It makes me wonder if I should really have another one. I feel that there is another spirit. I was told in a blessing given to me by my dad before conceiving Nathan about their being future CHILDREN.(which as you know means more then one) I'm afraid of being a bad mom. Of not doing right by them. I pray often for strength to be the mother that each one needs me to be for them. That and making sure to be on top of my medicine is all I can think of doing to be what they need. This has to be one of my trials that the lord has for me. I know that he trusts these children with me. I just need to learn to trust in him more that he know what he is doing, and that I can do it. I love these children with all my heart and would do anything for them. I thank you Lord for giving them to me.